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Dropping the pretzel method for good

The other day I felt a bit flat. It was simply one of those days. I felt lonely and suddenly started to obsess slightly about never again being spotted by a man.

It sounds a bit ridiculous, I know, and I seriously don´t worry much about this. I´m soon to be 44, and the combination of the confidence I have in myself and the trust I have in life, makes me a very different woman from what I used to be ten or fifteen years ago. That´s part of the beauty with age.

I am however, a single mum and since January I have only been approached by two men. One married sleeze bag looking for I don´t know what, and one very sweet person that has absolutely nothing of what I am looking for in a man. Considering this, I´m guessing it´s only natural to feel a little at loss at times.

Unfortunately this last sensation prevailed the other day, and for some reason I decided to look for comfort. So I contacted someone I consider to be a friend and in whose judgment I normally trust.

I wanted to be reassured that it´s only a question of time, that I´m fabulous and that any man not considering me as a serious option is just plain stupid. I wanted to hear someone say all the right things: that mature women are more fun, more relaxed, wiser, more beautiful and better in bed.

But my friend provided me with a whole different opinion.

Basically, I have to be more outgoing. I should chase the man down. Drink a couple of margaritas and relax so I can be more flirty. I should change my hairstyle (apparently it always helps) wear more transparent clothes in order to show off my assets better (according to this person, tits and ass – which I actually took as a compliment). I should also consider exercising more in order to lose some weight and become more sparkly:
Don´t kid yourself, you´re not exactly thin with those hips!, said my friend.

I have to admit I got a bit defensive. This was NOT what I had expected. It also took me back in time – to be precise almost fifteen years. Because this is exactly the strategy I opted for in my late twenties, early thirties.

I remember the insecurity of never feeling good enough. The idea that I had to turn myself into a pretzel in order to capture the interest of a man, was my truth. Since I was never good enough I had to do my best in order to convince a man that I actually was. And the way to do that was to be everything I wasn´t.

I tried dieting. I tried exercising. But I was born with those over-sized hips. I used to hate them so much I would cover my butt with sweaters or skirts all the time.

I changed style, bought new, sexier clothes, fixed my hair (not that easy because there are basically only two ways to wear curly hair: you put it up or let it down).

I also started going out to bars even though I dislike alcohol and love my early nights in bed.

I even tried internet dating.

At some point I got really tired of it all and decided it wasn´t worth it. And I found a man that adored me and obsessed about my hips and butt.

More than ten years later, here I am again, single. And if there is something life has taught me, it´s to be authentic.

On one hand, it´s just so much easier. I don´t have to try so hard any longer. I can be myself and feel great about it! On the other hand, I´ve realized that when I try to be someone I´m not, I´m only attracting the wrong people. If I wear a mask, I will attract more mask wearers – and frankly, at this point in my life I don´t have time for guessing games.

Turning 44 feels exhilarating. I know what I like and dislike, I know what I want and what I don´t want. And for the first time in my life, I feel really great in my body. I know it´s far from perfect, but it´s mine and I love it. Yes, I have a belly, but who cares? I carried a baby in there nine years ago. I want that to show. I want my hardships, lessons and wisdom to reflect in my face.

It took me a lifetime of self-loathing to get to this point, and when someone well-intentioned but blunt is pulling me back to a place where I´ve already been and didn´t feel good, I react.

Even though this person probably had another idea of how to be of help, everything that was pointed out to me the other day has actually been very helpful. No, I didn´t get to hear what I wanted. But I got the opportunity to be even clearer with myself and state out as loud as I possibly can: I AM GOOD ENOUGH!

I don´t want a man that doesn’t like my body. I´m not interested in a man that cares more about how I dress than who I am. And I refuse to have to chase him down. I want him to spot me and walk up to me because he loves what he sees in me. And I want him to see my sparkles even the days that I am flat.

And yes, I am absolutely certain I can and will have all of that.

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En reaktion till “Dropping the pretzel method for good”

  1. I’m 54 and found my soulmate through internet dating 18 months ago – it DOES happen.

    My advice would be that you ARE good enough, and any man who doesn’t find you interesting and attractive, simply isn’t a long-term option. Be yourself and relax. You know what you want, and what you don’t. Most importantly, YOU have control over YOUR choices situation by situation, minute by minute, and you dont answer to anyone but yourself.

    But I would NOT advise anyone (especially a mature person) to wait for someone to approach you. It is extremely unlikely that Mr Right knows which door in which street to knock on. And he has probably has as many bad relationship experiences and is just as jaded as you.

    Yes, Internet dating has a large proportion of very active sleazebags … but I think its still better than singles bars. I believe most men have the same insecurity about whether they’re good enough – but they might hide it with a super confident sexy macho act, or just be shy. I personally got tired of writing personalised messages only to be ignored, so I would recommend that you be prepared to start some of the conversations. Yes you will be disappointed … but it only takes one person to totally change your future 😉

    Gilla

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